“And kid, you’ve got to love yourself. You’ve got wake up at four in the morning, brew black coffee, and stare at the birds drowning in the darkness of the dawn. You’ve got to sit next to the man at the train station who’s reading your favorite book and start a conversation. You’ve got to come home after a bad day and burn your skin from a shower. Then you’ve got to wash all your sheets until they smell of lemon detergent you bought for four dollars at the local grocery store. You’ve got to stop taking everything so goddam personally. You are not the moon kissing the black sky. You’ve got to compliment someones crooked brows at an art fair and tell them that their eyes remind you of green swimming pools in mid July. You’ve got to stop letting yourself get upset about things that won’t matter in two years. Sleep in on Saturday mornings and wake yourself up early on Sunday. You’ve got to stop worrying about what you’re going to tell her when she finds out. You’ve got to stop over thinking why he stopped caring about you over six months ago. You’ve got to stop asking everyone for their opinions. Fuck it. Love yourself, kiddo. You’ve got to love yourself.” —Unknown
It’s been a while since my last post. Wanted to update the look and feel of this site and decided to make it really simple. No fuss. It’s all about the writing, and memories.
I’m alive and well, freezing my ass off here in Stockholm.
Merry Christmas, my dahlings.
I’m packing a suitcase really soon.
I’m much better, thanks.
It’s like this: I give up. The only thing that’s stopping me is the pain I cause to those I leave behind. My pain or theirs.
And so it is a vicious cycle until I finally have the balls to decide. My pain or theirs.
I don’t mean to go emo, I loathe that shit as much as you do, but I cannot deny nor apologize for what I feel.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
No, I’m sparing you from all that lovey-dovey cheese. This post is definitely nothing of that sort. Okay, perhaps a little bit. I wish I was on serotonin and endorphin overload, but sadly, I am not. I cannot share the good ol’ Valentine cheer because I have none to give. Lest you forget, I am one sad lady as of this time.
But as one relentless lover kept telling me, “Happiness is a choice.”
There are days when I struggled to believe that, but the more I think about it, it is simply, a choice. A decision to be made. We make tons everyday, how is this any different?
The decision making isn’t the hard part. It’s the follow through that’s daunting. But I know myself well enough that once I’ve decided, I pretty much stick with it and deal with the repercussions later. Naturally, I need some convincing at times, but I reassure myself that all will be well. All will be fine. In time.
Now, after finally deciding that I will and can be happy, I looked around to reassure myself. Whatever gets you by, honey, they say. Whatever helps you sleep at night, says another.
There was a boy I greatly loved, and he gave me this beautiful letter. Not exactly the most prolific of all writers, but at that time, it was the most sincere thing I’ve ever read.
Oh my xxxx Baby,
You continue to amaze me…… I am in awe of you!
I had to come clean. My conscience could not take it anymore. The guilt was unbearable. That’s why I have kept you at a distance because I didn’t want you involved with my disasters.
You have no idea how hard it was to tell you everything. I am in denial to myself. I can hardly believe the mess I have made. When you tell someone they look at you with disbelief and amazement at how such a mess could be created by one person.
The plan to tell you all started when I was looking at our videos from last summer on the plane and I had had one shot of whiskey. The whiskey started kicking in (truth syrum). Your beautiful face made me feel like a guilty dog and it was at that moment I knew I had to spill it all and deal with the aftermath. Of course the tears began to flow and the desire to tell grew stronger with each gulp of Jack. The flight attendants were so kind to me as they could see my pain even though I was trying to hide it. I knew I could not let the lies continue because you gave me your heart. How can I take your heart when I am a liar? Do I still have your heart? I have given you my heart and that is very very sacred to me. You can have a person’s body and other material insginificant things but to have someone’s heart is very sacred and special and means the world to me. The fact that I have told you everything now is such a relief and to know you still want me blows me away. I still am concerned. The last thing I want is you to be hurt by me. I never want that. That would critically devastate me.
“I am your reason to live”. Those are pretty powerful words xxxx dear. If you really mean that, my knees are bowed and my heart is spread before you. I am truly overwhelmed.
I feel this overwhelming sense of love for you and even not in a sexual way. I want to care for you and fix you and get you back on the straight path to success. I care sooooo much for you. I am at the point now where I would render my life for the extension of yours. These feelings I have are very real and so powerful it is exhausting to sense them flowing through me. I am so glad that you can feel the genuine unconditional love that I have for you. I hope this makes a difference in your life. This is how a man should love a woman and care for her. This is what you have been missing baby and what I have been missing…unconditional love!!!!
I thank you for talking to me tonight. It was very comforting and heartfelt to have you lying next to me face to face and have our little conversations and to hear those cute little sounds you make as you move and react to our conversation. I love the tender little noises that come from you, even the moans as you sleep do not bother me at all. In fact. they are so dear to me. I love you xxxx. I love what I know of you. I love your cute little personality.
Thank you for being there for me. I need you. Let’s take one day at a time. I have no idea what is going to happen. This is so complicated.
Please take my heart baby. I want you to place it near yours. That would mean the world to me. Please please, never give it back to me. Please always keep it. No matter what happens between us I will always be comforted to know that my heart remains with you and all the lovely memories and thoughts good and bad that we have shared. I am sorry… for all of this, but I want you to know that you touch me deeply.
With all my love,
And then this boy died. I never saw him again, and a couple months later, his sister called to tell me of his demise. And of this letter, which he never sent.
It has been three years but I have not told one soul about him. I had wanted to keep him my secret, my secret safe-place-to-go to when I really feel I need some comfort. Why? His love was real, pure and unconditional, almost unmeasurable. His words were blankets for they were never condescending nor expected anything of me. Why did he love me? I’ve never been loved before like the way that he did. It has set the benchmark of all future loves that came my way.
At times, I would think, He and I, we’re the same sad story. The boy who died and I.
Wishing you all a sincere Happy Hearts Day. I shall live vicariously through you today.