I’m alive and well, freezing my ass off here in Stockholm.

Merry Christmas, my dahlings.

I’m much better, thanks.

And so it is a vicious cycle until I finally have the balls to decide. My pain or theirs.

I don’t mean to go emo, I loathe that shit as much as you do, but I cannot deny nor apologize for what I feel.

~

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

R.F.

But as one relentless lover kept telling me, “Happiness is a choice.”

There are days when I struggled to believe that, but the more I think about it, it is simply, a choice. A decision to be made. We make tons everyday, how is this any different?

The decision making isn’t the hard part. It’s the follow through that’s daunting. But I know myself well enough that once I’ve decided, I pretty much stick with it and deal with the repercussions later. Naturally, I need some convincing at times, but I reassure myself that all will be well. All will be fine. In time.

Now, after finally deciding that I will and can be happy, I looked around to reassure myself. Whatever gets you by, honey, they say. Whatever helps you sleep at night, says another.

Comfort.

There was a boy I greatly loved, and he gave me this beautiful letter. Not exactly the most prolific of all writers, but at that time, it was the most sincere thing I’ve ever read.

Oh my xxxx Baby,

You continue to amaze me…… I am in awe of you!

I had to come clean. My conscience could not take it anymore. The guilt was unbearable. That’s why I have kept you at a distance because I didn’t want you involved with my disasters.

You have no idea how hard it was to tell you everything. I am in denial to myself. I can hardly believe the mess I have made. When you tell someone they look at you with disbelief and amazement at how such a mess could be created by one person.

The plan to tell you all started when I was looking at our videos from last summer on the plane and I had had one shot of whiskey. The whiskey started kicking in (truth syrum). Your beautiful face made me feel like a guilty dog and it was at that moment I knew I had to spill it all and deal with the aftermath. Of course the tears began to flow and the desire to tell grew stronger with each gulp of Jack. The flight attendants were so kind to me as they could see my pain even though I was trying to hide it. I knew I could not let the lies continue because you gave me your heart. How can I take your heart when I am a liar? Do I still have your heart? I have given you my heart and that is very very sacred to me. You can have a person’s body and other material insginificant things but to have someone’s heart is very sacred and special and means the world to me. The fact that I have told you everything now is such a relief and to know you still want me blows me away. I still am concerned. The last thing I want is you to be hurt by me. I never want that. That would critically devastate me.

“I am your reason to live”. Those are pretty powerful words xxxx dear. If you really mean that, my knees are bowed and my heart is spread before you. I am truly overwhelmed.

I feel this overwhelming sense of love for you and even not in a sexual way. I want to care for you and fix you and get you back on the straight path to success. I care sooooo much for you. I am at the point now where I would render my life for the extension of yours. These feelings I have are very real and so powerful it is exhausting to sense them flowing through me. I am so glad that you can feel the genuine unconditional love that I have for you. I hope this makes a difference in your life. This is how a man should love a woman and care for her. This is what you have been missing baby and what I have been missing…unconditional love!!!!

I thank you for talking to me tonight. It was very comforting and heartfelt to have you lying next to me face to face and have our little conversations and to hear those cute little sounds you make as you move and react to our conversation. I love the tender little noises that come from you, even the moans as you sleep do not bother me at all. In fact. they are so dear to me. I love you xxxx. I love what I know of you. I love your cute little personality.

Thank you for being there for me. I need you. Let’s take one day at a time. I have no idea what is going to happen. This is so complicated.

Please take my heart baby. I want you to place it near yours. That would mean the world to me. Please please, never give it back to me. Please always keep it. No matter what happens between us I will always be comforted to know that my heart remains with you and all the lovely memories and thoughts good and bad that we have shared. I am sorry… for all of this, but I want you to know that you touch me deeply.

With all my love,
WR

And then this boy died. I never saw him again, and a couple months later, his sister called to tell me of his demise. And of this letter, which he never sent.

It has been three years but I have not told one soul about him. I had wanted to keep him my secret, my secret safe-place-to-go to when I really feel I need some comfort. Why? His love was real, pure and unconditional, almost unmeasurable. His words were blankets for they were never condescending nor expected anything of me. Why did he love me? I’ve never been loved before like the way that he did. It has set the benchmark of all future loves that came my way.

At times, I would think, He and I, we’re the same sad story. The boy who died and I.

Wishing you all a sincere Happy Hearts Day. I shall live vicariously through you today.

My debts from all that mindless shopping to numb the pain will be void and I will have everything that needed to be settled sent to you by Mom.

And I want my epitaph to say:

Here lies The Bitch Goddess, one who greatly loved and will always be Dyster.

Goodbye, everyone.

So, optimism with a tad bit of delusion will just have to work for me. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. I don’t know. I don’t know what to believe anymore.

People inspire, or break whatever is left of us. Either way, we choose to sever, or forge new relationships, scared as we are of the outcome.

A moment of recklessness and mindlessness can sometimes be liberating. And thus my favorite song that I’ve been belting out on loop as of date: Metallica’s Nothing Else Matters.

And to the Metalhead out there, indulge me as I post my favorite cover done by Bif Naked:

Bif Naked – Nothing Else Matters –

So close no matter how far
Couldnt be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I dont just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

So close no matter how far
Couldnt be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I dont just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know

So close no matter how far
Couldnt be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
No nothing else matters

Funny thing happened today. I was *thisclose* to paying for a ticket to Singapore online, and when I checked my passport, it will expire tomorrow. Great. Change of scenery for a broken heart FAIL.

I’m going out of my mind, wanting desperately to go to my girlfriends who ALL happen to be not within the same zip code, worse, the same country.

I’m so tired of crying. So, I took into singing out loud lately. I have to admit, it helps.

Criminal
Fiona Apple

Ive been a bad bad girl,
Ive been careless with a delicate man.
And its a sad sad world,
When a girl can break a boy
Just because she can.

Dont you tell me to deny it,
Ive done wrong and I want to
Suffer for my sins.
Ive come to you cause I need
Guidance to be true
And I just dont know where I can begin.

What I need is a good defense
cause Im feelin like a criminal.
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I sinned against
Because he was all I ever knew of love.

Heaven help me for the way I am.
Save me from these evil deeds.
Before I get them done.
I know tomorrow brings the consequence
At hand.
But I keep livin this day like
The next will never come.

Oh, help me, but dont tell me
To deny it.
Ive got to cleanse myself.
Of all these lies till Im good
Enough for him.
Ive got a lot to lose and im
Bettin high
So Im beggin you before it ends
Just tell me where to begin.
What I need is a good defense
cause Im feelin like a criminal.
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I sinned against
Because he was all I ever knew of love.

Let me know the way
Before theres hell to pay.
Give me room to lay the law and let me go.

Ive got to make a play
To make my lover stay
So, what would an angel say?
cause the devil wants to know.

What I need is a good defense
cause Im feelin like a criminal.
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I sinned against
Because he was all I ever knew of love.

What I need is a good defense
cause Im feelin like a criminal.
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I sinned against
Because he was all I ever knew of love.

All I can say is, I’ve never been sorrier in my entire life.

Among other things discussed is the topic of cheating. Where does one draw the line, really? We all have certain needs, and if the partner fails to fulfill that particular need, what do you do?

a. Nothing
b. Deal with it yourself
c. Go look for others to fulfill it
d. Get pissed/frustrated/annoyed/guilty for even thinking of looking for others to fill that void instead of that person you were counting on

Needs, in this context, do not necessarily mean sexual. It could be a plethora of things. Emotional needs i.e, tenderness, attention, support, as well as intellectual discourse, financial, what have you.

As for my answer, I usually end with with the letter D.

I learned that it is unfair to expect everything from a partner. I used to have lots of expectations from my men, but look where it got me. And thus my mantra, “No expectations, no disappointments”. In my case, however, because I think the world of my partner, when I get disappointed, I really get disappointed. I end up bashing myself for wanting those stupid ~needs~ in the first place. And so, disappointments lead to self-destruction, which leads to feeling helpless and dependent on the partner, which leads again to self-bashing for being heavily invested in someone in the first place. When you’re in too deep, it’s hard to get out. I’m too confused with the vicious cycle that I don’t know what to do anymore.

LA Ken, however, pointed out that I have misplaced guilt. I have been feeling somehow guilty about my perfectly normal ~needs~, not just because the partner doesn’t like it, but also because I have been wondering what it is about me that has not been able to make a man love me for what I am. Why is it that I always feel that I do everything wrong?

Is it the partner’s fault for not realizing your needs? I don’t think so. Not entirely, at least. Although a little intuition and sensitivity would help. It could be yours for not spelling it out properly, by being too vague, or for expecting your partner to pick up the nuances. Of course it would be great to have somebody like that, but one must remember that your partner could be dealing with something at that moment, thus s/he cannot deal with you. The big, common mistake here happens when you would think you are being ignored or not taken care of. This is one of the precious things I’ve learned.

So, cheating. I would be a hypocrite if I’d say the thought never occurred to me. In the rare instances that it did, something heartbreaking must have really happened. But I never brought myself to do it, hell, I do not even step out of the house, much more going out and hooking up with some random guy to have mindless sex.

How does one define cheating, then? Is it when you watch porn? Talking to another person hoping to connect and be understood? Flirting for self-validation? Writing on your blog about the two of you and hitting the publish button and letting the world know? It could be a mindless act, or something you do out of spite just to have that void filled. However you do it, in the end you ask yourself, do I feel guilty?

I asked the Swede once what he thought of cheating, and he said he draws the line at intimacy. I’m an intimacy junkie, so I agreed, and LA Ken thought so too.

“Intimacy is based on shared vulnerability…nothing deepens intimacy like the experiences that we share when we feel flayed, with our skins off, scared and vulnerable, and our partner is there with us, willing to share in the scary stuff.”

-:The Ethical Slut by Dossie Eastman and Katherine Liszt:-

Oh, how I’ve missed it. And you.

Love Sonnet 116
Shakespeare

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments; love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no, it is an ever-fixèd mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand’ring bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

If you take the time to figure this poem out, you’ll know he’s right.

I’m seriously craving for a joint or two. And get stoned. And get things sorted in my hazy state.

I still can’t quite figure out what I really want. How can I? If that other person doesn’t even know what he wants out of…this.

Or if he wants me at all.

Matchbox 20 says it better:

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know, right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know, right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Unwell – Matchbox 20

It sucks, actually. If I can only go through this holiday unscathed.

I plurked earlier that I haven’t slept all night. I spent it tossing and turning, thoughts racing in my head faster than my breath. My head started to hurt so much that I had to literally scream at myself to STOP THINKING! Obviously, it didn’t work and I got myself all worked up even more. It came to a point where at 5 AM, I was sitting in our living room, waiting for the sunrise, and begging myself (or my head) to go to sleep. It was THAT bad.

There are so many things to do, so many projects to attend to that I don’t even know where to begin! I’ll try to list them down by order of importance:

Launch of my dad’s Heart Foundation – December 5: The Department of Health, Dad’s hospital, colleagues and friends put up a heart fund for Mindanao’s indigents in his memory. I’m responsible for the AVP (and I haven’t even started shooting yet!), the website, media kits, press conferences, setting up the launch, and attend to gov’t officials and VIPs (smirk) and make their stay as comfortable as possible. This is what I actually do for a living (media and events) and it goes without saying that I’m doing this pro-bono. Not complaining here. I’m just overwhelmed with the tons of tasks.

My dad’s 1st year Death Anniversary – November 27: We haven’t had huge parties since dad died, but on this day we anticipate over 400 guests flocking the compound. My dad was fond of parties, alright, but he actually preferred hanging out with his staff (janitors, maintenance crew, admin) than his MD colleagues. He once said it is those little people who really matter to him, as they keep him grounded.

I’m opening a new coffee shop/café – end of December: I’m blessed to have a fairy godfather who fulfills my dreams. It was a long time coming, and quite unexpectedly, things turned to our favor. I will be signing the lease this week and construction should start by next week (IF I can find carpenters and painters at such short notice). My mind is racing as to which furniture to get, the color of the walls, the interiors, café operations and what not. I need to educate myself with coffee, too!

Get new accounts for my media company – this week: My business partner has been nagging to do heavy marketing for our company. I’ve neglected this one since the Swede arrived. I thought I’d recoup by December by the time he leaves so I can focus, but with the new developments of our family businesses, now is the time to refocus before it gets realllllyyy busy. The other day, I started buying those giveaway boxes that match our corporate look and prepare for Christmas favors to hand out to clients and media friends.

Write a month’s worth of articles for the paper – this weekend: My entertainment editor has been putting up with my late articles and quite often as of late, with no submissions at all. I’ve been feeling guilty because he’s the most cheerful editor one can ever have and he hardly gets angry, too. Now where the hell do I squeeze in my writing time?!

Plurk, or lose my nirvana status – SOON

I’ve always been guilty of this habit of biting more than I can chew, and these series of events once again prove how I love having tons on my plate. I like being busy, the feeling of being responsible for something or someone.

I just wish my dad can see that I’ve finally grown up.

For some reason, this exported with a low volume. I didn’t have that problem when editing in GarageBand. Anyway, if you can be bothered to download, play it a bit louder

Anyway, indulge me.

[display_podcast]

But alas, I cannot be parted from writing. It’s the only reason why I remain sane. 

So, how have YOU been?

I have been working my ass off the last couple of months, trying to be that ‘responsible’ daughter my dad never lived to see, and just basically tried to live the mundane life. 

And now, I’m terribly burned out, stalling tasks and jobs that will set me back a full month. Why it has come to this, I don’t know. I find myself waking up later than usual (it’s 11 AM now. It used to be 10 AM *yeah, yeah, I know. Try running your own company yourself, you’ll love its perks*), and instead of the usual routine of checking emails and sending replies, I head over to the couch and watch just-downloaded episodes.

A few days from now, and for the next two months, my life will be in suspended motion. The Swede lover comes to visit. Being his nth time now, I anticipate things to be more fun and in a way, serious. He may not be aware of it, but the October month marks our anniversary, and this year is our second.  We are at that phase where we have to decide…things. You know, the usual stuff that makes guys cringe. I tried avoiding the topic for the longest time knowing full well how he feels about it. Maybe we’ll talk about it, maybe not. More than anything, I want this to work. I think I deserve something stable for once, don’t you think?

I’m annoyed at myself, though. I can’t get my work mojo back! I need it back RIGHT NOW before I get distracted when he arrives next week.