Tag Archives: Bitch Goddess’ Thoughts

Anticipation

Well, hello there. It’s been what, 5 months since my last entry? I’ve been meaning to fix the look of this blog, but I can’t be bothered. I apologize for the laziness. And so it remains as I left it.

But alas, I cannot be parted from writing. It’s the only reason why I remain sane. 

So, how have YOU been?

I have been working my ass off the last couple of months, trying to be that ‘responsible’ daughter my dad never lived to see, and just basically tried to live the mundane life. 

And now, I’m terribly burned out, stalling tasks and jobs that will set me back a full month. Why it has come to this, I don’t know. I find myself waking up later than usual (it’s 11 AM now. It used to be 10 AM *yeah, yeah, I know. Try running your own company yourself, you’ll love its perks*), and instead of the usual routine of checking emails and sending replies, I head over to the couch and watch just-downloaded episodes.

A few days from now, and for the next two months, my life will be in suspended motion. The Swede lover comes to visit. Being his nth time now, I anticipate things to be more fun and in a way, serious. He may not be aware of it, but the October month marks our anniversary, and this year is our second.  We are at that phase where we have to decide…things. You know, the usual stuff that makes guys cringe. I tried avoiding the topic for the longest time knowing full well how he feels about it. Maybe we’ll talk about it, maybe not. More than anything, I want this to work. I think I deserve something stable for once, don’t you think?

I’m annoyed at myself, though. I can’t get my work mojo back! I need it back RIGHT NOW before I get distracted when he arrives next week.

Yawn

I’m supposed to be asleep by now. But no, my mind refuses to cooperate, thus this entry. It helps sometimes. I usually write late in the night when I can’t sleep. I’m running out of sleeping pills again, but I don’t want to take one now. Too late. I have to be up by 8 anyway. So that means by the time I’m finished with this entry and by the time I wake up, I’d have had 5 hours of sleep. Great. Sucks to be me.

Aaanyway.

Today was pretty mundane, if not boring save for one thing. You see, I’ve been in that “Me and You and Everyone We Know” kind of loop for a while. It’s getting pretty old, to be quite honest. I forgot how fun it is to talk to a random stranger. Interesting, even. Yes, I’m talking about you, Siomai.

I didn’t realize that some people, readers, voyeurs, minions, some of you are scared shit to talk to me. 

Why is that, I asked. I’m nice. I don’t bite. 

Ah, yes. The whole “mystery/dominatrix/Cleopatra/alpha-female” thing.

You’ve put me in a box, you fuckers.

Will you love me just the same if you found out that I’m just an act? Or if I’ve changed? Speaking of which, I remember somebody commented that I’ve changed. Don’t we all? Would you adore me less if I have? 

I’m a Leo. I bask in adulation. So yeah, give it to me. Now.

Kthxnyt.

 

Change

For the past several weeks, I’ve been working my ass off.

A big change, really. I suddenly found myself having three jobs, one different from the other, a combination of the things I am passionate about. If I focused on one job alone, I’d definitely be bored; I would need to do other things. The great thing about it is that I get paid to do what I like.

Since Dad died, I was overwhelmed with a state of loss, listlessness, of wandering. I needed to do something, to make myself occupied. I now realize why people throw themselves at the mercy of their craft. I never really understood that bit, until now.

And it has been a refreshing change.

For once, it dawned on me that I am finally in control of my life.

The Greatest Love Letter

It’s late and I’ve been desperately trying to sleep so I can make it to the Misa de Gallo later. I’ve been missing it the last couple of days because I’ve been popping sleeping pills like crazy, one after the other. I just want to sleep these days. Every waking minute is killing me, and the fact remains: He is gone.

Growing up boy-crazy, I’ve received a few love letters here and there, and some tickled me pink and allowed me to dream about the writer and let the words drift into my head as I stare into nothingness, wondering about the future. Of course there are those letters which you just want to bury as deep as the drawer can get, but you’re keeping them anyway because oh, I don’t know, you want some ego stroking when you need it.

But, there will always be that one particular letter which you hold so dear, its pages carefully tucked and folded, so fragile that you barely hold it with your fingertips when you read it. This particular letter of mine never fails to make me cry every time; I barely open it and I start leaking like a faucet.

I was in college in UPLB when I had a fight with this man. He tried calling me for days and I just ignored his calls, and because he was in Davao, he really couldn’t do much. Everything was my fault, as usual, and I was just too guilty to pick up the phone and dreaded hearing his deep baritone, all stern and angry. Then, one day, I was chatting on the phone by my dorm’s balcony when I saw him come up the stairs. He flew over just to talk to me. I was impressed. Now that’s what I call a real man. He really pursued his lady, case in point: Me. But before that surprise visit, he sent me this beautiful letter, which really set the bar for me in terms of love letters from men.

This is perhaps, THE greatest love letter I have ever received.

August 26, 1999

My Dearest,

There always comes a time in our lives when we need to take stock of ourselves ask ourselves the quintessential question – QUO VADIS? or where am I going?

I have asked this question many, many times especially during those moments when I feel quite lost and bewildered and always as constant as the sun, the answer has remained the same: seek the Lord and the search for peace and joy suddenly ends there. The thirst for fulfillment is at once quenched at the realization that only God is the answer.

Believe you me, my dearest one, I have searched far and wide for that elusive feeling of contentment and no earthly honor nor material gain nor human conquest has ever given me the satisfaction. I have been a proud and defiant man and I was never so humbled as when I was confronted that the enemy was within me. And to conquer oneself, I needed a most powerful ally and friend who was always there to lift my yoke and made my burden light. The Lord never fails us. It is proud people like us who fail to call on Him.

Darling prodigal daughter of mine, this is not meant to be a homily to bore you. Please give yourself a chance by getting the right connection – the real one, the only one that no cellphone or computer or friends or lovers can deliver. Try it soon enough before time passes you by.

We pray for your success and happiness every minute of the day. You are always a part of us and we profoundly care for you.

– Your PAPA who is crazy about you

Oh God, I terribly miss him.