HILLLAAAARRRIOUSSS!
I don’t know how long this has been posted, but I saw this on YouTube today.
So, this girl is so game and eager to give you the best blow job experience ever.
Blow job, anyone?
Tag Archives: funny
The Smart Inday
If you’re from the Philippines, I’m sure one way or another you’ve read or received a forwarded SMS about Inday, that seemingly iconic and now glorified Filipina maid with that vicious, witty tongue of hers.
For those not in the know, Inday* is a common Filipino household name, usually given to maids (whose names you don’t want to keep track of), lasses from the provinces, eldest daughters, market vendors. It could also be used to call a girl/woman if you don’t know her name.
Thus, to our amusement, this new Inday surfaced out of nowhere, the brainchild of someone who must want to give the stereotype a makeover.
Inday is intelligent, overbearingly witty, sometimes highfaluting, and most of all, hilarious. Not your typical maid from the provinces.
And she has a lover, Dodong**, who is equally witty.
And they came up with a blog! YES! Read here.
I have a new guilty pleasure, I believe. 🙂
*My definition may seem derogatory to some, but this is how I know the typical Inday. I will stand corrected if anyone can offer a better definition.
**Dodong, like Inday, is a typical Filipino household name, and is equivalent to Inday’s male counterparts.
Extreme Sex in the Dark
How would you like to have as many as 11 (yes, eleven) lovers as permanent sex slaves, attached you and let them produce semen at your command? Fun, eh? And it doesn’t matter if you’re butt ugly because you’re simply irresistible.
In the dark.
And you have to be this fish.
The Age reports on a book, KamaSEAtra: Secrets of Sex in the Sea by aquatic scientist Sheree Maris. “Desire and deception, lust and fetish, pleasure and pain – it’s all happening beneath the waves,” the book reveails.
One of her personal favourites is the Deep Sea Angler (Melanocetus johnsoni), a grotesque looking fish that lives deep in the ocean.
“The female angler isn’t the most attractive thing but she’s in the deep deep depths so it doesn’t matter,” says Marris.
To attract a male, she secretes a sweet smelling perfume that arouses him so much that he is compelled to pursue and bite onto her.
“This is some extraordinary love bite because he never lets go,” Marris says.
“He becomes fused to her and basically becomes a blob of testicles on her skin.
“She then chemically commands him to release sperm when she wants, so she’s got this permanent sex slave.
“One female brought up from the depths had 11 males attached to her, she was one lucky girl.”
Readers also will learn that the humble barnacle has the longest penis in relation to body size in the world.
“It’s stuck to a rock so it’s going to be pretty hard to meet the opposite sex,” Marris explains.”
So it has this penis that can be rolled out and just go wandering around the rockpools in search of a mate.”Â
Wow. Good thing the roll-out penis is exclusive to fishes. It’s bad enough that some guys can be so boorish when asking for sex. Having a roll-out penis couldn’t be more blatant.
The Swan
The funniest and weirdest thing happened today. But let me tell you some background first. Warning: Lengthy.
Way back in college, I had this guy classmate whom nobody would want to talk to, nor be seen with for the sole reason that he smells. He hardly showered nor brushed his teeth because he always thought it was okay–they had centralized housing, after all, and he could always have his teeth “fixed” if needed.
He was also quite a character. He was always seen walking around the campus garden, practicing martial arts on his own, sweating like a pig and smelling like one during class. He was brought up the traditional Chinese way, and he was expected to join the family business after school. Needless to say, his family is rich, and he always went to school with a driver.
He never owned a pair of jeans in his entire life, and his daily uniform consisted of a white shirt, tucked into baston trousers, usually black or brown, and white rubber shoes, and of course, his nylon belt bag. One day, he went to school with a huge nose strip across his face, and when I asked why he had that, he said “a huge acne burst right where my glasses tipped my nose”.
Because he only spoke English (he was brought up by his nanny watching english TV shows and nothing but), and hardly the local dialect, this sort of alienated my classmates further, who preferred speaking the dialect. He was also quite complicated and very intelligent; his IQ was 183, and somehow, even professors were intimidated by him. He was known for his one-liners; his replies were short but they always made sense, in a philosophical way.
People laughed at him, of course, he didn’t have any friends, nobody could relate to his Chinese philosophies and people were intimidated by him. The thing was, he was oblivious to it all and continued attending class, speaking to people politely and diplomatically as if he was well-liked.
Anyway, because I have a thing for eccentric characters, I befriended him, endured his dragon-breath only because I was in wanting of those deep, philosophical discussions (hey, I was a freshman, think Dead Poets Society days) and he always took me home. My classmates eventually got wind of our friendship and mercilessly teased me for acquiring a new “best friend” because shortly after that, he constantly followed me and wanted to be with me because “I was the only one who bothered” to talk to him.
I asked him one day if he considered me as a friend, and that I had something very important to tell him, and if I was a friend to him, I’m doing him a favor because real friends tell people what’s wrong with them before others do so. Nodding, he asked me to say my piece.
“Well, Kirby, the truth is, have you ever considered buying deodorant?”
Eyes blinking through thick glasses, he casually answered No.
And, in one breath, I said, “Ever wondered why people don’t talk to you and avoid you? It’s because you smell. And your mouth smells. Please please, let me buy you a toothbrush. And while we’re at the store, why don’t we buy you some jeans too? They’re very comfortable, you know. Don’t dress like your dad; that’s how GI’s (Geniune Intsik) do. And what about a backpack or something? You don’t sell fish, so get rid of that nylon beltbag. And yeah, you’d look more handsome without your glasses, let’s go to your optometrist. Lastly, try to speak in the local language so you can relate people and have other friends aside from me because really, people are starting to wonder about us, and this, my friend, is social suicide for me! So, let me help you, I’m begging you, if you need me to drag you in the shower, I’ll do that!”
“Okay. Let’s go.”
Just like that. I was amazed at how he didn’t take things personally, and that nobody ever told him that he smelled! So, I took him shopping, and he complained how it’s hard to get rid of his trousers because they were soooo comfortable. Duh. There were moth holes already! My dentist also went quiet for a few seconds before he annouced MAJOR cleaning to be done.
The next day, he went to school in his spanking new jeans, whiter (and cleaner) teeth, new haircut, got rid of his glasses and belt bag, and for once, during our entire first year, he looked normal. People started to talk to him, hesitant at first, but I assured them that he had his shower. My friends were impressed, never thinking that I brought some change into his life. No, I think it was more of the fact that he allowed ME to make some changes. Believe me, people, I was a proud momma that day. But of course, it only lasted a day. He went back to his old clothes, although he showered and brushed his teeth more frequently. But I still consider it to be such a great accomplishment during those times.
Shortly after that, I moved to another campus, and we lost touch, but saw each other again during our Christmas party that year. He wasn’t expecting me to be around and for a couple of minutes, I was wondering where he run off to. Thirty minutes later, he came back, huffing and puffing, and pulled me aside to give me his shabbily wrapped gift. I was surprised and was really touched by the gesture. I opened it and it was a gold necklace with Chinese characters which meant Luck. And at that moment, my friends started to give me their teasing, mocking looks again. Although his personal hygiene got better, he was still regarded the same way, and they felt obliged to invite him to the party only because I forced them not to leave him out.
When I went home, I examined the necklace much closer only to find that he forgot to remove the price sticker at the back of the box. That is sooo typical of him! However, I was surprised it cost him that much. Knowing him to be such a thrifty, typical Chinese, I was slightly flattered that he blew some money on this one.
We didn’t see each other for years, but we’d exchange one-liners on SMS every now and then, and I remember him calling long distance only to listen to me bawl how Chinese boyfriends never make good boyfriends (case in point: B, the spineless guy).
I went home three years ago and every now and then, he’d ask me out to movies. Nothing really special about it. They can’t be considered dates either. There was nothing romantic about it, and although he started wearing jeans then, I still had to be on the lookout for my friends.
So, today, he texted me after 2 months since he last asked me out which I politely declined. I was having brunch when I read his message.
Kirby: Hi, TBG.
TBG: Hi there. Happy new year. What’s up?
Kirby: Movie?
TBG: Hm. I just woke up. What do you have in mind?
Kirby: Movie. Motel. The usual. What time should I pick you up?
Seriously, I almost CHOKED. He was kidding, right?
TBG: Sounds good! Haha. Wow, I didn’t know you’re into that.
Kirby: Why not? Last I checked, I’m a guy.
TBG: Yeah, but I always thought of you as wholesome. And last time you confessed, you were a virgin. Has that changed?
Kirby: Find out personally :p I could be in your house in 10 minutes. Want me to prove it to you?
TBG: Uhhh, nooooo. I just woke up, I’m having brunch and I’m still feeling lazy. Seriously, what’s on?
Kirby: A bunch of Tagalog movies. That Judy Ann-Ryan thing. Nothing I can stand. Seriously. I can prove it to you. Performance evaluation.
Ignore, ignore.
TBG: Okay, I guess I can’t stand that either. So, what now?
Kirby: Let’s go straight to the motel then. Should be fun. I want to do something fun. Or do someone fun.
TBG: Hahaha. I don’t know if I should be taking you seriously.
Kirby: Take it as it is.
TBG: Should I? Take you seriously I mean.
Kirby: It’s up to you.
Hmm, he was playing it safe. I was like a shocked momma who found some used, torn condom wrappers in his room. At that point, I was really confused, and in a way, in denial. I wanted to probe more. I was really curious now. I mean, who would want to sleep with him?!?! (hehe)
TBG: So, when was the last time you got laid? (I was kinda hoping he’d take it all back in his reply)
Kirby: Late last year.
TBG: Okaaay. How do you hook up with your ladies then?
Kirby: How do fishermen fish? Duh. Net. Friends. Bars. Clubs. Gym.
Wow. He’s on a roll. He really IS serious.
TBG: Wow. Good for you then. (ack) And I guess these are random girls?
Kirby: Yes. Beautiful ones, too.
TBG: You’re into that? Random girls, I mean?
Kirby: Why not? Could be better. Better than nothing though.
TBG: Yeah, why not. You’re young, you’re rich, you’re that typical Chinese guy with that hot car. Sure, girls should be all over you. I guess I’ve changed. It used to be like that for me before. But now, I can’t stand to do it if I’m not in a relationship. Were you ever in one? For real.
Kirby: I’m gonna be busy in a couple of hours. Are we on or what?
Ignored my question, eh?
TBG: I’m not sure. I don’t like what’s on.
Kirby: Like I said, let’s go straight to the motel then.
TBG: Haha. Right. Sure!
Kirby: Wow, I’ve always wanted you! I can’t believe you said yes! I’m leaving now.
TBG: Whaaa? Hey, I was kidding! You told me it’s up to me if I should take you seriously or not. I chose not to! You’re that geeky, oily, smelly Kirby I know! You are not a stud! You are not horny! You are not this Kirby now!
Kirby: Get over it, TBG. I’ve changed. Oh well, some other time then.
And that’s that. I still don’t know what to make out of it. I’ve been laughing all day. But, deep down, I am rather disappointed at how he turned out. Just like the guys I used to date. He could’ve done better. He really could have.
Oh well, I *heart* geeks.
How To Eat Pussy
Eating pussy can be one of the most wonderful things you can do for a woman. It makes her feel appreciated, respected, desirable, and has the potential to give her an orgasm that will shatter glass, raise the dead, even wake you in the next room. Besides, lots of women expect it these days, and men who perform great oral sex are always in demand. If you gain a reputation as an expert, many classy, attractive women, way out of your league, may overlook your other shortcomings. Just kidding, but it gives us an excuse to talk more about vaginas.
The vagina is a mystery to most men. It’s hidden away. Taken out only for special occasions and then quickly put back into hiding. Like an english muffin, its full of nooks and crannies and tastes best slathered in melted butter. For something so complex you’d think there would be instructions, or a map, or a help icon. How many times have you planted your face at heaven’s door and said to yourself, “Man, it sure would be nice if just once she told me what she liked? Should I feel free to move about the cabin or should I keep my seatbelt securely fastened and concentrate on her love button? Should I move up and down? Back and forth? In little circles? Dive in deep or doggy paddle on the surface? To finger or not?”
Men have no problem telling women what they like, “Oh yeah! That’s it! Oops, sorry baby. It’s OK, it’s protein.” There is no mystery about a penis. It stands out in the open. Proud. Happy to be out in the breeze. No matter how small or unimpressive, every penis acts as if it’s a Great Dane, the Washington Monument, or a mighty Sequoia. A penis is so simple in comparison to a vagina that I can explain everything you need to know about performing oral sex on a penis using a standard fire hydrant.
It’s all good!
If a woman is still unsure, she can rent an adult video. Any video. All she has to do is look at a penis the way the “actresses” in porn do, and he’ll be happy.
I know what you’re thinking, “I’ll just rent a video and learn all about eating pussy. I don’t have to read a bunch of words.” Wrong. Forget for a minute that as soon as you pop the DVD into the player, your left hand will instinctually grab the remote and find the fast-forward button while your right hand locates your mule and begins the old “up and down.” You can’t learn how to eat a pussy from a video because of your big old head.
Even when porn movies show oral sex in close-up labia-vision-3D, they have to push the licker’s head sideways to give a good view to the camera, while snapping the receiver’s hip out of joint. This position is designed for good cinema, not for optimal pleasure.
Practice, Practice, Practice – Pussy Eating Exercises
One of the key differences between performing oral favors on a woman versus a man is time. With men, the better you are, the shorter your performance. With women, you’re expected to be able to perform for extended periods of time. In order to develop marathoner-like endurance, there are a number of exercises that can be used to strengthen the muscles in your mouth.
Exercise 1
Stick your tongue as far out of your mouth as possible, and then try to touch your nose. Eat a booger, if possible. Repeat in 3 sets of 10 reps or when boogers are clear. This exercise is fun, funny to watch, and nutritious. It also makes a great decongestant.
Exercise 2
With a loose jaw, point your tongue while simultaneously trying to keep your tongue in constant contact with the top and bottom of your mouth. You’ll quickly learn that this is impossible. A Zen-like exercise designed to equip you mentally for failing again and again to satisfy your lover.
Exercise 3
Keep your tongue relaxed and open your mouth. Move your tongue in and out of your mouth, forward, and in both directions, while licking hair from her hair brush. Try to focus while clearing the hairs. Practice in five sets of twenty and build up to adding aromas and darkness to the exercise.
Get Licking!
Now that your tongue is in shape it’s time to start licking. Lick everything you can get your tongue on and are legally allowed to touch. Be sure to invest in a big hunk of filleted salmon. I know what your saying, “Salmon is like $12 a pound, can’t I use a lollypop or a nice piece of dried cod?” When it comes to training for licking labia, you can’t skimp! Save the dried cod for her post-menopausal years.
Now, that’s a nice piece of fish, tastefully shaped to promote interest, and garnished with parsley to simulate the texture of her 10 o’clock shadow.
Not only does salmon have the right look and feel, after a couple of days it will smell right too. Before diving in, check your salmon for errant bones and remove any you find with a plier. Important Note: You don’t have to perform this task with a real pussy.
Basic Techniques
Its time to put on some romantic music, pour some wine, grab that hunk of salmon and master the following techniques. But first, lets reaquaint ourselves with the female gentalia. I found this useful diagram at ComoComerUnaVagina.com.
That pussy looks like its singing opera. If the pussy in front of you starts to sing you’re either doing something right or her cervix is fermenting. It’s your call whether to stay the course or eject.
Lets talk technique. Emily Dickenson once wrote that “a good lover’s hands never stop moving.” She meant moving on the woman’s body, not on your own johnson or on the remote. Constant motion is important, and if you’re prone to sea sickness, focus on the horizon (or Caesarian scar).
The Lick
Leaving your tongue soft and jaw relaxed (this is important to avoid cramping), try licking her from vaginal entrance (that’s the hole, the slit, the crease) up to her clit (that’s the clit) and following the outer edges of her vagina (that’s the lips or labia, not her hips or the edge of the bed) along both sides. Repeating this technique going up and down and vice versa can be a great opener. You might try “Hello” as an opener too, if she isn’t already spread eagle on the bed.
Labial Hold
While holding the two parts together with your lips, run your tongue between the inner and outer labia one side at a time. Don’t hold it too long – labia need to breathe. You can punch a few holes in them and attach an air freshener if it’s beginning to smell, err, fishy.
Tongue Intercourse
The majority of a woman’s nerve endings in her vagina are around the opening and within the first couple of inches inside, or she may have them in an adorable leather pouch in her purse. Target them with your tongue, acquiring the target with your heads-up display. Insert your munitions. This technique, like life itself, is limited due to length. If our God were a just God, the sum total of tongue and penis length would be a constant for all men. Sadly, He decided it would be funnier to leave a bunch of you with limited length in both areas.
The Flick (also called the Jablonsky)
Spread the outer vaginal lips with your fingers. Wrap them around your head like a hat. Stop giggling and re-focus. With your tongue pointed, gently flick your tongue around the clit. Feel free to roam, but keep coming back to her clit, and if you go to the next apartment, don’t bring that bimbo back with you.
This technique drives some women wild, and others find it to too intense, and most married women would rather be flipping through mail order furniture catalogs. When stimulating her clit make sure to start out gently if you aren’t sure how she likes it. If she likes it shaken not stirred, double-check the size of her “clit.” When you try this, pay attention to whether those moans are ecstasy or pain or maybe she’s waking up.
Advanced Techniques
The following techniques should not be introduced until your partner is really hot (i.e., very wet, me-so-horny, in heat, lust-filled, cock-hungry, faking it). These are more intense techniques, and may be too intense for some women, even when nearing orgasm. They may also lead to 9-1-1 calls to the police and follow-up restraining orders. Proceed with caution.
The Clitoris Suck
Expose her clitoris by spreading her lips and lightly pulling back her hood. When her hood is pulled back, make sure it’s really her and not the cleaning lady, put the hood back and readjust your own hood in case her’s falls off again. With her clitoris exposed, give it a quick little suck. Now when she tells you that you suck, you can take it as a compliment! This is a lot like licking a bit of cake batter off of your pinky, except not as tasty and it shouldn’t bring back fond memories of Mom. We recommend not using your teeth nor using heavy suction (i.e. vacuum cleaner) when starting out.
The Clitoris Hold
Take her exposed clit into your mouth and gently suck on it, simultaneously flicking your tongue over and around it. Don’t gag on it. Swallow what you can and close your eyes and make believe you’re not really there. When asked if you like this, grunt an affirmation. Go to your happy place until it’s all over. Take the pack of smokes and go back to your cell.
The Clitoris Pick and Roll
Take her exposed clit down to the local bakery. Order a nice Kaiser roll. Slather with mayo and enjoy.
The Tongue Tube
Roll your tongue into a tube (if you cannot do this, forget about it because it is genetic and you can’t learn it – FYI: the rolling tongue gene is the same gene for large penises and long tongues). Roll your tongue into a tube around her clitoris so your tongue is doing something similar to a woman’s vagina around a man’s penis. If you can do this you really should become a homosexual and go find an actual man’s penis. Why waste this talent on a little clitoris?
ABC’s
Try using your tongue to spell the alphabet on her genitals. This works surprisingly well as your tongue is always moving in different directions. When I’m bored I like to send subliminal messages to my lover. Stuff like, “Doing the dishes is fun,” and “Stop inviting your annoying friend, Rachel over to our house,” and my favorite, “When are you going to come? I’ve lost all feeling in my jaw and Sportcenter started 10 minutes ago.” If your lover is a non-English speaker do your best to simulate Sanskrit, Cyrillic, etc. If your lover is illiterate, get your face out of her pussy and teach her to read ferChristsakes.
This simple diagram summarizes all the basic and advanced techniques. Study it and commit it to memory. Or if you’re dumb, write it on your hand.
Other Tips
You can try using a wide variety of flavored gels, oils, and lubricants. Some of these products heat up when rubbed to add extra stimulation. You can also use these to add to your own fantasies. Use sesame oil to imagine this is the vagina of the nice lady at your Chinese take-out place, or olive oil for that Italian cutie who spit on you in High School.
A mint, as long as it is not too weak or strong, can create a very intense tingling sensation to enhance your performance. A mothball will not only keep her privates free of pests, but will let you live out your “Grandma” fantasies.
If your lover doesn’t smell or taste quite so delicious, suggest a visit to the doctor to find out if a racoon died in her cooch. A good rinse with Lysol also works wonders.
Bad Ideas
The Fidel
Placing your chin in her bush and yelling, “Conyo! You dirty imperialist Americans are a demanding bunch!” is some funny shit. While most women admire a man with a sense of humor this is neither the time nor the place. Well, it is the place but it’s not the time. Save this move for the post-coital wrap-up.
The Rabbi
Place that yarmukle you got at your accountant’s wedding on her bush. Make an ambulance noise as you dive in, crying “I’ll save you Rabbi Schwartz!”
Making Farting Noises
Every man gets the urge to stick your face right in there and go “PPPPPTTTTPPPPT!!!” I mean you just know its gonna sound great. Resist this urge. It’s not going to help you attain your objective. Worse, she may think that she just farted in your face which will either embarass her or be her dream come true.
Bon Appetit!
There are few things more exciting to a woman than to know that her partner finds her delicious; meaning that you enjoy the taste, smell and feeling of her vaginal juices. Think of how you respond to a plate of ribs or a nice corned beef on rye. Feel free to say “What a value!,” or “Pass the mustard!” or “A pickle would go great with this!” Consider a generous tip – don’t just automatically leave 15%.
NEXT: How To Use A Vagina and How To Use A Penis. Trust me, some people really have noooo idea what they’re doing.