I don’t want to grow old alone.
(c) Keri Pickett
Author Archives: The Bitch Goddess
I Wish You Well
Like so many before you,
and perhaps, after you,
I thought you fancied me,
and perhaps, loved me a little.
exempli gratia
(you came to me wounded, almost broken.
i wanted to fix you, but before I was done,
you cowardly return to the one whom
you fled from in the first place.)(you attempted to write a poem,
and even though i cringed
reading it, i loved you for doing so,
and at the same time, aching to edit it)(you spoke well of all the wonderful things
we can do together,
and i thought it was rather sweet that
you jacked off looking at my picture,
as i was listening to you, wondering which
picture you liked best)(you said I was beautiful over and over,
and because i don’t take compliments well,
I thought you were being silly,
especially when you proposed.
you actually wanted to marry me. Gasp.)(and You, whom this crappy poem is really for,
and at this point I really don’t care if its a crappy
attempt at free verse
and whom I thought of writing of in the first place,
well, there wasn’t much you did, except that
you really talked to me.but i saw you mirroring each other, it’s sick.
juvenile, even.)
What was i supposed to make out of it?
i, who pride myself for being unassuming,
no expectations, no disappointments
(as a friend across the pond once told me).
But there was always that promise
of something, that I actually held on.
You are a sweet mistake.
You, who are many, came fleeting
and you never really stayed.
It was always the other woman, the fixture of
somebody old and familiar,
or somebody new and exciting.
Fucking go.
And so, good luck to you, to all of you.
i wish [she fucks] you well.
Obsession
It’s been long overdue, but I only had the luxury of time just now to watch the entire first season of Rome. I was able to watch snippets of some episodes on HBO before, but I was surprised at how much they cut out some rather “pleasant” scenes until I watched the DVD.
There were tons of frontal nudity, on both males and females, and I rather found it amusing at how they treated coitus with such nonchalance that it was as casual as eating bread and drinking wine. How I would love to have a mother (or father) to insist on having my first sexual encounter, and pay for it, as on young Octavio’s case. I still can’t quite get over having attendants to wait on you during sex, fanning your, err, fanny. And after Marc Antony came on top of Atia, these servants came rushing as she snapped her fingers and demanded “Water!”.
Anyway, I am lusting after Ray Stevenson, the god who plays Titus Pullo, the brute who willingly fucked Cleopatra, and unknowingly fathered her child (as suggested in the series). “A ferocious lover of life, possessing the courage and loyalty of a warrior, but the morality of a pirate. A man of huge appetites and wild passions. Impulsive, unreflective, optimistic, conceited, generous, and brutal.”
Whew, my kind of man. He’s exactly what I want. His character in the series, at least.Can anybody play pretend and be Titus Pullo? Well, Ray? Seriously, I’ve never lusted after anyone like this. Not even as close as I did after Clive Owen. He is so fucking hot. Pardon my cussing, but really, Ray as Titus simply sizzles in my book.
Oh, Ray dahling, be the father of my babies! Okay, I can’t have babies. Don your Roman costume and let’s have coitus then!
Of Broken Promises
I noticed that I write between finished accounts and new ones. I simply cannot distract myself during an ongoing project. Perhaps that’s just how I operate. Like a horse.
Lately though, I have been in such a lull that it took me quite some time to snap out of it. Spacing out between meetings, sleeping late, staring at the blank screen, picking on food, no drive at all. I was beginning to be pissed at myself for being unproductive, but no matter how I drag myself from one meeting to another, conduct brainstorming sessions, I still preferred to lay down and sleep. Sure, we do get tired sometimes, and we should allow ourselves to rest for a moment or two, to take a breath and calm ourselves when things don’t pan out the way you wanted it to. When situations or people disappoint us, it takes a while to get over it. Recently, I had a growing share of people promising things but not fulfilling their end of the bargain. I don’t bother going after them anymore. I learned my lesson not to humiliate myself that way. Let them be. Let karma take care of them, I always thought.
When I lost a recent lover to natural circumstances, I was in a state of denial that thinking about him was not an option, and that work was my refuge, even my strength. While most of us succumb to depression, I didn’t. I thought I was done with love, and that I never really loved him anyway; he was just someone who happened to be there. I cannot afford to be weak. Many people depend on me, and I cannot ignore my responsibilities.
I was at a Funeral Home visiting a friend whose father died when I heard a loud wail coming from the other room. I had a phone call to make and stepped outside. A new body was being laid to rest in the other room, and a trail of family members followed the coffin being placed in the room’s center. I proceeded to make the call, and was about to head back when I heard whispers from the old ladies. Suicide. Boyfriend. Young. Seventeen. He left her. Pregnant.
I looked up in their direction and saw a huge portrait of a very young, beautiful girl being set up near the coffin. That’s all I needed to know to make out her story. I felt my knees buckle and my heart swell and before my parents saw me, I rushed to the car and locked myself in and cried.
I cannot be that girl. I am not weak. I am not weak. So he fucked me over. He broke his promise. But who am I to keep him?
I’m not exactly sure if I miss the person; I think I miss the routine more. Of talking until I fall asleep, exhausted, and waking up to find him still there. Of being reminded to take water and Vitamin C’s everyday. Or being sung Happy Birthday to in the middle of the airport terminal before boarding flight, and the weekly bouquet of roses. And because he saw right through me, and fulfilled all my wishes and secret dreams unknowingly, I grew rather fond of him. He took care of me. He really, really took care of me. What I didn’t know was that I was in deeper than I thought I was.
I was prepared for such a loss, always have been. But I never learned to grieve properly. Not until now.
A Guide To Dealing With Men
From Fine Art of Free Speech and Dissent, some ways of letting your man know you’re not in the mood, and that you don’t take no crap either.
One: The word no should be enough. If a woman does not want to have sex, or is uncomfortable doing a sexual act, or doing a sexual act a certain way, or simply not in the mood, the word No should be enough. End of story. If a male continues on with the pressure or merely takes what he wants, those things are coercion and rape, and are punishable by law. But if you find no gets boring or old, or if it is not so much a matter of coercion and rape, well, I suggest the following tactics for dealing with the penis bearing oppressors when they get out of hand. Here are some examples of “unsavory” male behaviors, questions, and criticisms, and suggested ways to combat them. Take note, I have found a great deal of success using these modes of combat in the sexual battlefield.
Penis-bearing overlord: “Honey, I would really like to do/try anal sex.”
Upstart female: “Really? Me too! Why don’t you assume the position, I will be right back with the toys and lube / bar of butter and a broom handle. You’re going to want to relax, babe.”Penis-bearing overlord: “I could really go for a blow job.”
Upstart female: “Then go.”Penis-bearing overlord: “You know, it would be really hot if you arranged a three way for me with your best friend.”
Upstart female: “What makes you think if Donna and I decided to go at it we would invite you?”Penis-bearing overlord: “Honey, you could stand to lose a little weight.”
Upstart Female: “Considering you’re the one generally on top, you should be the one worried about your figure.”Penis-bearing overlord: “Honey, you could stand to put on a little weight.”
Upstart Female: “Then fucking learn to cook.”Penis-bearing overlord: “I wish you had bigger tits.”
Upstart Female: “Well, I wish you had smaller tits and a bigger cock, but I don’t make a big deal about it now, do I?”Penis-bearing overlord: “You should shave.”
Upstart female: “I’ll get a Brazilian if you will!”Penis-bearing overlord: “You don’t cook/clean as well as my mom.”
Upstart female: “I am sure I don’t suck dick as well as she does either.”Penis-bearing overlord: “(insert name of ex here) was much more adventurous in the bedroom than you are.”
Upstart female: “She also cheated/destroyed your credit/gave you herpes/set your clothes on fire/got you evicted/smoked weed 24-7/ rolled your car…but feel free to go back to her if it was that great.”
Now, for actual tactics.
Penis-bearing overlord grabs the back of your head in an attempt to throat-fuck you when you are not down with that: grab a handful of his hair, either in the pubic region or upper thighs. Pull. Hard. Not only will this generally end his erection, but he will understand the meaning of discomfort as you are experiencing it.
Penis-bearing overlord tries to “sneak in the back door” during regular intercourse. Move, quickly. Glare. Grab his unit. Remind him “gently” you are a front door girl only, and if he wants in any door at all, he will not pull that shit again. Also, you might tell him that generally there is preparation that enthusiasts of anal sex engage in prior to having it, things such as enemas, and him trying to fuck you there unprepared could be a very messy, smelly, and disgusting experience. Your potential pain may not strike all that real to him, your shit all over his dick? Very real.
Penis bearing overlord does not heed any of these words or less subtle hints? Stop fucking him! Boot his ass! Move on! Stand up for yourself and walk away. He is just a guy, after all, plenty of them out there if you really feel you need one that badly!
Should the penis bearing overlord not get any of those hints, well, then you can embrace the patriarchal assumption that all women are evil (as the good book says) and insane (as popular culture says) and do something like write “Piss off, I know where you live” in pigs blood on his front door, but make sure not to leave any prints!
So, these are things to remember if a plain old “no” just isn’t good enough for you.