How To Eat Pussy

*Everything You Need to Know About Cunnilingus But You Were Too Busy Picking the Hairs Out of Your Teeth to Ask – Uncle Melon

Eating pussy can be one of the most wonderful things you can do for a woman. It makes her feel appreciated, respected, desirable, and has the potential to give her an orgasm that will shatter glass, raise the dead, even wake you in the next room. Besides, lots of women expect it these days, and men who perform great oral sex are always in demand. If you gain a reputation as an expert, many classy, attractive women, way out of your league, may overlook your other shortcomings. Just kidding, but it gives us an excuse to talk more about vaginas.

The vagina is a mystery to most men. It’s hidden away. Taken out only for special occasions and then quickly put back into hiding. Like an english muffin, its full of nooks and crannies and tastes best slathered in melted butter. For something so complex you’d think there would be instructions, or a map, or a help icon. How many times have you planted your face at heaven’s door and said to yourself, “Man, it sure would be nice if just once she told me what she liked? Should I feel free to move about the cabin or should I keep my seatbelt securely fastened and concentrate on her love button? Should I move up and down? Back and forth? In little circles? Dive in deep or doggy paddle on the surface? To finger or not?”

Men have no problem telling women what they like, “Oh yeah! That’s it! Oops, sorry baby. It’s OK, it’s protein.” There is no mystery about a penis. It stands out in the open. Proud. Happy to be out in the breeze. No matter how small or unimpressive, every penis acts as if it’s a Great Dane, the Washington Monument, or a mighty Sequoia. A penis is so simple in comparison to a vagina that I can explain everything you need to know about performing oral sex on a penis using a standard fire hydrant.

Fire Hydrant
It’s all good!

If a woman is still unsure, she can rent an adult video. Any video. All she has to do is look at a penis the way the “actresses” in porn do, and he’ll be happy.

I know what you’re thinking, “I’ll just rent a video and learn all about eating pussy. I don’t have to read a bunch of words.” Wrong. Forget for a minute that as soon as you pop the DVD into the player, your left hand will instinctually grab the remote and find the fast-forward button while your right hand locates your mule and begins the old “up and down.” You can’t learn how to eat a pussy from a video because of your big old head.

Even when porn movies show oral sex in close-up labia-vision-3D, they have to push the licker’s head sideways to give a good view to the camera, while snapping the receiver’s hip out of joint. This position is designed for good cinema, not for optimal pleasure.

Practice, Practice, Practice – Pussy Eating Exercises

One of the key differences between performing oral favors on a woman versus a man is time. With men, the better you are, the shorter your performance. With women, you’re expected to be able to perform for extended periods of time. In order to develop marathoner-like endurance, there are a number of exercises that can be used to strengthen the muscles in your mouth.

Exercise 1
Stick your tongue as far out of your mouth as possible, and then try to touch your nose. Eat a booger, if possible. Repeat in 3 sets of 10 reps or when boogers are clear. This exercise is fun, funny to watch, and nutritious. It also makes a great decongestant.

Exercise 2
With a loose jaw, point your tongue while simultaneously trying to keep your tongue in constant contact with the top and bottom of your mouth. You’ll quickly learn that this is impossible. A Zen-like exercise designed to equip you mentally for failing again and again to satisfy your lover.

Exercise 3
Keep your tongue relaxed and open your mouth. Move your tongue in and out of your mouth, forward, and in both directions, while licking hair from her hair brush. Try to focus while clearing the hairs. Practice in five sets of twenty and build up to adding aromas and darkness to the exercise.

Get Licking!

Now that your tongue is in shape it’s time to start licking. Lick everything you can get your tongue on and are legally allowed to touch. Be sure to invest in a big hunk of filleted salmon. I know what your saying, “Salmon is like $12 a pound, can’t I use a lollypop or a nice piece of dried cod?” When it comes to training for licking labia, you can’t skimp! Save the dried cod for her post-menopausal years.

Salmon
Now, that’s a nice piece of fish, tastefully shaped to promote interest, and garnished with parsley to simulate the texture of her 10 o’clock shadow.

Not only does salmon have the right look and feel, after a couple of days it will smell right too. Before diving in, check your salmon for errant bones and remove any you find with a plier. Important Note: You don’t have to perform this task with a real pussy.

Basic Techniques

Its time to put on some romantic music, pour some wine, grab that hunk of salmon and master the following techniques. But first, lets reaquaint ourselves with the female gentalia. I found this useful diagram at ComoComerUnaVagina.com.

Diagram
That pussy looks like its singing opera. If the pussy in front of you starts to sing you’re either doing something right or her cervix is fermenting. It’s your call whether to stay the course or eject.

Lets talk technique. Emily Dickenson once wrote that “a good lover’s hands never stop moving.” She meant moving on the woman’s body, not on your own johnson or on the remote. Constant motion is important, and if you’re prone to sea sickness, focus on the horizon (or Caesarian scar).

The Lick
Leaving your tongue soft and jaw relaxed (this is important to avoid cramping), try licking her from vaginal entrance (that’s the hole, the slit, the crease) up to her clit (that’s the clit) and following the outer edges of her vagina (that’s the lips or labia, not her hips or the edge of the bed) along both sides. Repeating this technique going up and down and vice versa can be a great opener. You might try “Hello” as an opener too, if she isn’t already spread eagle on the bed.

Labial Hold
While holding the two parts together with your lips, run your tongue between the inner and outer labia one side at a time. Don’t hold it too long – labia need to breathe. You can punch a few holes in them and attach an air freshener if it’s beginning to smell, err, fishy.

Tongue Intercourse
The majority of a woman’s nerve endings in her vagina are around the opening and within the first couple of inches inside, or she may have them in an adorable leather pouch in her purse. Target them with your tongue, acquiring the target with your heads-up display. Insert your munitions. This technique, like life itself, is limited due to length. If our God were a just God, the sum total of tongue and penis length would be a constant for all men. Sadly, He decided it would be funnier to leave a bunch of you with limited length in both areas.

The Flick (also called the Jablonsky)
Spread the outer vaginal lips with your fingers. Wrap them around your head like a hat. Stop giggling and re-focus. With your tongue pointed, gently flick your tongue around the clit. Feel free to roam, but keep coming back to her clit, and if you go to the next apartment, don’t bring that bimbo back with you.

This technique drives some women wild, and others find it to too intense, and most married women would rather be flipping through mail order furniture catalogs. When stimulating her clit make sure to start out gently if you aren’t sure how she likes it. If she likes it shaken not stirred, double-check the size of her “clit.” When you try this, pay attention to whether those moans are ecstasy or pain or maybe she’s waking up.

Advanced Techniques

The following techniques should not be introduced until your partner is really hot (i.e., very wet, me-so-horny, in heat, lust-filled, cock-hungry, faking it). These are more intense techniques, and may be too intense for some women, even when nearing orgasm. They may also lead to 9-1-1 calls to the police and follow-up restraining orders. Proceed with caution.

The Clitoris Suck
Expose her clitoris by spreading her lips and lightly pulling back her hood. When her hood is pulled back, make sure it’s really her and not the cleaning lady, put the hood back and readjust your own hood in case her’s falls off again. With her clitoris exposed, give it a quick little suck. Now when she tells you that you suck, you can take it as a compliment! This is a lot like licking a bit of cake batter off of your pinky, except not as tasty and it shouldn’t bring back fond memories of Mom. We recommend not using your teeth nor using heavy suction (i.e. vacuum cleaner) when starting out.

The Clitoris Hold
Take her exposed clit into your mouth and gently suck on it, simultaneously flicking your tongue over and around it. Don’t gag on it. Swallow what you can and close your eyes and make believe you’re not really there. When asked if you like this, grunt an affirmation. Go to your happy place until it’s all over. Take the pack of smokes and go back to your cell.

The Clitoris Pick and Roll
Take her exposed clit down to the local bakery. Order a nice Kaiser roll. Slather with mayo and enjoy.

The Tongue Tube
Roll your tongue into a tube (if you cannot do this, forget about it because it is genetic and you can’t learn it – FYI: the rolling tongue gene is the same gene for large penises and long tongues). Roll your tongue into a tube around her clitoris so your tongue is doing something similar to a woman’s vagina around a man’s penis. If you can do this you really should become a homosexual and go find an actual man’s penis. Why waste this talent on a little clitoris?

ABC’s
Try using your tongue to spell the alphabet on her genitals. This works surprisingly well as your tongue is always moving in different directions. When I’m bored I like to send subliminal messages to my lover. Stuff like, “Doing the dishes is fun,” and “Stop inviting your annoying friend, Rachel over to our house,” and my favorite, “When are you going to come? I’ve lost all feeling in my jaw and Sportcenter started 10 minutes ago.” If your lover is a non-English speaker do your best to simulate Sanskrit, Cyrillic, etc. If your lover is illiterate, get your face out of her pussy and teach her to read ferChristsakes.

This simple diagram summarizes all the basic and advanced techniques. Study it and commit it to memory. Or if you’re dumb, write it on your hand.

map

Other Tips
You can try using a wide variety of flavored gels, oils, and lubricants. Some of these products heat up when rubbed to add extra stimulation. You can also use these to add to your own fantasies. Use sesame oil to imagine this is the vagina of the nice lady at your Chinese take-out place, or olive oil for that Italian cutie who spit on you in High School.

A mint, as long as it is not too weak or strong, can create a very intense tingling sensation to enhance your performance. A mothball will not only keep her privates free of pests, but will let you live out your “Grandma” fantasies.

If your lover doesn’t smell or taste quite so delicious, suggest a visit to the doctor to find out if a racoon died in her cooch. A good rinse with Lysol also works wonders.

Bad Ideas

The Fidel
Placing your chin in her bush and yelling, “Conyo! You dirty imperialist Americans are a demanding bunch!” is some funny shit. While most women admire a man with a sense of humor this is neither the time nor the place. Well, it is the place but it’s not the time. Save this move for the post-coital wrap-up.

The Rabbi
Place that yarmukle you got at your accountant’s wedding on her bush. Make an ambulance noise as you dive in, crying “I’ll save you Rabbi Schwartz!”

Making Farting Noises
Every man gets the urge to stick your face right in there and go “PPPPPTTTTPPPPT!!!” I mean you just know its gonna sound great. Resist this urge. It’s not going to help you attain your objective. Worse, she may think that she just farted in your face which will either embarass her or be her dream come true.

Bon Appetit!

There are few things more exciting to a woman than to know that her partner finds her delicious; meaning that you enjoy the taste, smell and feeling of her vaginal juices. Think of how you respond to a plate of ribs or a nice corned beef on rye. Feel free to say “What a value!,” or “Pass the mustard!” or “A pickle would go great with this!” Consider a generous tip – don’t just automatically leave 15%.

NEXT: How To Use A Vagina and How To Use A Penis. Trust me, some people really have noooo idea what they’re doing.

How To Get Past The Velvet Rope

Most bars in the Philippines, Manila, to be exact, do not have long lines of people waiting outside eager to get in and be seen. There are a select few, if not close to none, exceptions of course. But generally, the Velvet Rope culture hasn’t really picked up. I don’t know how these headset-clad, clipboard-bearing, stoic-faced “traffic managers” use their judgment and choose which people to deny entrance nonchalantly. Could be the status. the name, who you’re with, how you look, and how you dont look. Surprisingly, even Paris Hilton was denied at the Oscar’s afterparty. I felt sorry for her sorry face. Haha. I never saw her look so sorry. What a foolface.

Also, it could be the clothes, or the lack of it.

Europe bar

With nothing on, you’re sure to breeze right through in. Like these girls.

Dream on, Manila. You’re not Europe.

More here.

A Guide To Dealing With Men

From Fine Art of Free Speech and Dissent, some ways of letting your man know you’re not in the mood, and that you don’t take no crap either.

One: The word no should be enough. If a woman does not want to have sex, or is uncomfortable doing a sexual act, or doing a sexual act a certain way, or simply not in the mood, the word No should be enough. End of story. If a male continues on with the pressure or merely takes what he wants, those things are coercion and rape, and are punishable by law. But if you find no gets boring or old, or if it is not so much a matter of coercion and rape, well, I suggest the following tactics for dealing with the penis bearing oppressors when they get out of hand. Here are some examples of “unsavory” male behaviors, questions, and criticisms, and suggested ways to combat them. Take note, I have found a great deal of success using these modes of combat in the sexual battlefield.

Penis-bearing overlord: “Honey, I would really like to do/try anal sex.”
Upstart female: “Really? Me too! Why don’t you assume the position, I will be right back with the toys and lube / bar of butter and a broom handle. You’re going to want to relax, babe.”

Penis-bearing overlord: “I could really go for a blow job.”
Upstart female: “Then go.”

Penis-bearing overlord: “You know, it would be really hot if you arranged a three way for me with your best friend.”
Upstart female: “What makes you think if Donna and I decided to go at it we would invite you?”

Penis-bearing overlord: “Honey, you could stand to lose a little weight.”
Upstart Female: “Considering you’re the one generally on top, you should be the one worried about your figure.”

Penis-bearing overlord: “Honey, you could stand to put on a little weight.”
Upstart Female: “Then fucking learn to cook.”

Penis-bearing overlord: “I wish you had bigger tits.”
Upstart Female: “Well, I wish you had smaller tits and a bigger cock, but I don’t make a big deal about it now, do I?”

Penis-bearing overlord: “You should shave.”
Upstart female: “I’ll get a Brazilian if you will!”

Penis-bearing overlord: “You don’t cook/clean as well as my mom.”
Upstart female: “I am sure I don’t suck dick as well as she does either.”

Penis-bearing overlord: “(insert name of ex here) was much more adventurous in the bedroom than you are.”
Upstart female: “She also cheated/destroyed your credit/gave you herpes/set your clothes on fire/got you evicted/smoked weed 24-7/ rolled your car…but feel free to go back to her if it was that great.”

Now, for actual tactics.

Penis-bearing overlord grabs the back of your head in an attempt to throat-fuck you when you are not down with that: grab a handful of his hair, either in the pubic region or upper thighs. Pull. Hard. Not only will this generally end his erection, but he will understand the meaning of discomfort as you are experiencing it.

Penis-bearing overlord tries to “sneak in the back door” during regular intercourse. Move, quickly. Glare. Grab his unit. Remind him “gently” you are a front door girl only, and if he wants in any door at all, he will not pull that shit again. Also, you might tell him that generally there is preparation that enthusiasts of anal sex engage in prior to having it, things such as enemas, and him trying to fuck you there unprepared could be a very messy, smelly, and disgusting experience. Your potential pain may not strike all that real to him, your shit all over his dick? Very real.

Penis bearing overlord does not heed any of these words or less subtle hints? Stop fucking him! Boot his ass! Move on! Stand up for yourself and walk away. He is just a guy, after all, plenty of them out there if you really feel you need one that badly!

Should the penis bearing overlord not get any of those hints, well, then you can embrace the patriarchal assumption that all women are evil (as the good book says) and insane (as popular culture says) and do something like write “Piss off, I know where you live” in pigs blood on his front door, but make sure not to leave any prints!

So, these are things to remember if a plain old “no” just isn’t good enough for you.

My First Student

Good gawd, I found my first student for my Polishing School! And she doesn’t even know it. You poor, poor thing. She’s exactly the type that I loathe, but at the same time, I’d want to help her, you know? She’s such a fuckin’ foolface. I don’t know who the hell this prostitute is, but dahling, if you see this, contact me immediately! As in IMMEDIATELY! Before you make a fuck of yourself on national television and be all over the internet.

To my international audience, THIS IS NOT HOW FILIPINAS TALK or SING ,for that matter. Not all, anyway.

Keys Me

Oh gawd. Who the hell put her on TV?!?!?!

On Nuns, Prostitutes, Escorts and Ultimately, Bitches

My silence for the past few days is attributed to the fact that I was (and still am, actually) in a sort of financial bind. Something which I’ve never experienced before and to talk about it further would be in such poor taste. All I could say is that it’s bloody unpleasant as hell. I haven’t exactly resolved it yet, but hey, life is hard right now, and I am definitely fucking it.

And so, I was thinking, what if, what if, I pimp myself? Ain’t that grand? I’d probably work a mere night or two, at such an exorbitant price, and my problem is solved! Haha. RIGHT.

I was whining about this possible solution to The Vamp when she told me, “Hey, get this. P (another sorority sister) decided to become a nun. She has the calling.”

WTF???

“Seriously????” I never thought someone close to me would become a *gulp* nun. But then, she’d be happier there, I think. It suits her well. She’s just the type.

“I just can’t believe it, though. I’m responsible for bringing it up. All this time, she was just waiting for a sign, and when I suggested it she took it as a sign,” The Vamp said, overwhelmed.

“Well, shouldn’t you be happy that you sort of helped her figure it out?” I asked.

“I know, I know. I just find it overwhelming, that’s all. What about us? Do you think we’ll ever become one?”

“Hahaha. You got to be kidding, right?”

“Why not? You’ll never know.”

“Well, this is a good thing for us. We have a spiritual adviser now. Oh, coz, you know, I think I’m beyond salvation. ”

“Hahaha. I still think you can be an adviser of a different sort. The “High Priestess of the Biatches” or something.”

Right. That could work. Goody. Now, back to my problem.

So I was thinking, I’d probably make a good prostitute. I used to loathe these women. With their cheap colognes and cheap makeup and cheap accent, they’re an easy target for my wrath. Their socio-economic background could be a factor, but it’s not that, actually. While some of them are exceptional–some men get lucky if they have intelligent ones, most are plainly mechanical and seriously DUMB. Men defined them to be as such. Men probably like them that way because they’re rid of senseless conversation and they could get right into action.

Okay, I’m definitely selling myself short.

How about as a high-class prostitute? Or an escort? Whatever. Buwayahman, I need your help on this. I can’t figure out the difference between the two. Are they still prostitutes but of a different league? Since I’m no movie star nor been in a porn film, I guess that doesn’t qualify me then, eh?

Bah. Labels. Who gives a fuck anyway?

Actually, I like the idea of a geisha with a Bitch Goddess twist. I’m not all about sex–that part is a given. That’s easy. And since I’m into S&M now, I’d probably charge extra. What makes me different though, is that I could carry a conversation. And a good one at that. I could match your wit and intellect and perhaps do an intellectual masturbation first (that’s what s&m is all about, anyway) and finish it off with mindblowing sex. And a cigarette.

Somebody told me that Filipinas will never make good escorts/prostitutes. When asked why, he said that they (prostitutes) are so gullible and are easily swayed by men who wait for them until their shift is over. That way, these men won’t have to pay for the required number of drinks while inside the club. For economical reasons that are beyond me, these Filipina prostitutes succumb to the cheap and sleazy and give the industry a bad name.

I, however, want to glorify it. I will teach these women to hold their ground, and learn to have dignity with their work. They will be sticklers for rules and manners. They will become learned in the arts, music and culture. They will be articulate. They will be mistresses of S&M. They will be definitely, a whole new breed (of bitches) apart.

And so, I am opening my…

school.gif

I am sooo going to burn in hell for this.

Enrollees, anyone?